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August 12, 2003

S.W.A.T., brought to you by:

— Posted by John Campea

S.W.A.T., brought to you by: Dr. Pepper, Power Chords and the Number: Infinite.
Folks, it could’ve been called “The Random Police Squad from Burmingham, Alabama” but that title would’ve told you right up front that that movie wasn’t good, and who’d want that?

Okay fine, granted, you’ve got a couple of good scenes in there… Some though, were downright painful.
Things I learnt from SWAT:
- Planes with no landing gear, skidding down pavement at 200 miles an hour, will stop dead after 15 feet.
- If you, or parts of you get run over by a train, nothing will get cut off.
- If the bad guy is too far ahead of you, have the editor splice the movie to the part where you’re caught up. No one will notice.
- Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE in L.A. has an automatic weapon.
- And they all want to kill you.
- And they have master plans whipped up in 4 seconds.
- S.W.A.T-ing consists of driving a guy around and getting into one on one fights with your old buddy.
- Dr. Pepper is truly everywhere.
- When you push the gas pedal, the radio gets louder.

If I see a “SWAT” movie, I want to see SWAT Tactics. I want to see trained actors pitting brains over evil brains. With guns. I want breakdowns and weird scientific toys that can take your pulse from 8000 years away. I don’t want to watch an hour of SWAT training (which included, get this… Running Uphill !!! Ohhh!!!). Only to watch them follow the ‘bad guys’ footprints. FOOTPRINTS!?!?! Gimme a sandy beach and a lost puppy fer cryin out loud! I’ll follow yer blasted footprints!.. I want something cool dammit!!!
Sigh…. No worries, Freddy vs. Jason in 3 days.

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  • Jeanne

    Can’t you just say what you mean? I don’t really understand all this.
    But I like the way you do it. I can surely learn a lot on your sites.

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