Tuesday Top Ten

Wow, I almost forgot all about the Tuesday Top Ten today. I shudder to think what it would mean to my public if I were to neglect my self-appointed duties, even for a day. If I know internet readers, and I think I do, you’d all turn on me like a pack of rabid wolves and demand more free entertainment on a dependable schedule. But, luckily for us both, I remembered and here I am to once again bring a ray of sunshine into an otherwise cold and gray life, if only for a little while.

Speaking of things that are cold and dark, I’d like to point out that I live in the small city of Saskatoon, Saskatchewan (that’s in Canada), where all of our movie theatres are small and old and we don’t even get every new release, and my two ‘friends’ who write this column with me live in the bustling metropolis of Toronto, which is a cultural mosaic blah blah blah. I wasn’t supposed to say this, but they caused the blackout by sticking pennies into as many electric sockets they could find. Plus I think they might of spilled some water onto a nuclear reactor. On purpose.

Ya like that, guys? If I wasn’t so amazingly poor right now thanks to textbooks and tuition, I could’ve gone and seen Freddy vs. Jason on Friday and written a plot synopsis right here, in my air-conditioned and fully lit house.

Okay, I promise never to mention that again.

I was going to do my top ten disaster movies, or something to do with blackouts or light, but I couldn’t think of 10 disaster movies that I like, so I guess we’ll just have to settle on something less topical.

So, for your reading pleasure, I present the Top Ten Movies that I have Never Seen but Probably Should

1. Life is Beautiful
Well, it won all those Oscars, and everybody seems to rave about it. Plus, it’s a pretty awesome premise. I have seen some Roberto Benigni movies before and enjoyed them, so that’s a good sign. All in all, I should really see this movie.

2. Shindler’s List
Yeah yeah, I know. No one can ever believe I haven’t seen this yet. If it makes you feel better, I have read the book, which means I’m smarter than someone who just saw the movie, but dumber than someone who saw the movie and read the book.

3. Adaptation.
This seems to be a hate it or love it kind of movie. People who know me seem to think I’d love it, and who’s going to argue with people who know me? Nobody, that’s who.

4. American Beauty
I have to see this at least once so that I can appear intelligent in conversations about film. If there’s one thing university has taught me, it’s how to make it sound like you know a lot more that you actually do. Here’s a tip: Watch one high end, intelligent film, and you can bluff your way through a good 15-60 minutes of conversation with a real film expert, depending how much actually talking you’re forced to do.

5. The Empire Strikes Back
My friends tell me that a lot of stuff in Return of the Jedi will make more sense if I see this first. For example: what’s the deal with that green guy on the swamp planet?

6. Glengarry Glen Ross
A classic with a cast like that. I really want to see this.

7. Gone With the Wind
I don’t really expect this movie to be any good, but I’m the kind of person who enjoys reading bad poetry from the 1300’s just to see the history of the modern novel. Like it or not, this movie has had a huge influence on film the world over.

8. Casablanca
See above, plus: Nazis!

9. Shichinin no samurai (The Seven Samurai)
Really, you could stick and film by Akira Kurosawa into this slot. Considering the influence this filmmaker has had, I really should check out his stuff.

10. Dog Day Afternoon
Yet another classic that I’ve never seen. This column is depressing me. Everyone leave, I want to be alone.

(psssst. one of these is a lie. See if you can figure out which one)